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Sunday, June 25, 2017

Letters to the Mayor of Bonerville – Part III

February 2, 2011 by Adam Montgomery Lampert · 2 Comments 

Dear Madam – Your silence at my numerous attempts to persuade you of my liberation speaks quite loudly indeed. At this juncture I am left with no choice but to conclude that you have no intention whatsoever to release me from Bonerville’s throbbing stranglehold. As my previous efforts to wheedle you into persuasion have failed, [...]

Letters to the Mayor of Bonerville – Part II

February 2, 2011 by Adam Montgomery Lampert · 3 Comments 

Dear Madam, As mayor of Bonerville, your schedule must surely be one of the heaviest engagement. Keeping Bonerville’s streets clean, children healthy, and erections maintained for all of the city’s faithful citizens is a duty unenvied by all reasonable persons. And so I want to make it clear that I come to you not as [...]

Letters to the Mayor of Bonerville – Part I

February 2, 2011 by Adam Montgomery Lampert · Leave a Comment 

Dear Ms. Leckey, I needn’t tell you how greatly I have enjoyed my stay here in Bonerville this past weekend. The sights, sounds, and sensations that I have experienced will forever be held as treasured memories within a special place in my heart. But you see, I’m afraid I really must be leaving your wonderful [...]

To The Next Great American Athlete: The Top Ten Reasons You Should Play Soccer Instead of Football/Basketball/Baseball

To The Next Great American Athlete: The Top Ten Reasons You Should Play Soccer Instead of Football/Basketball/Baseball

July 14, 2010 by Adam Montgomery Lampert · 37 Comments 

This is a letter to all the young American athletes out there destined for greatness. To all the future Michael Jordans, LeBron Jameses, Peyton Mannings, Bo Jacksons, Kobe Bryants, and Jerry Rices, I beseech you: consider soccer. There is more money, more fame, less risk, fewer injuries, and more glory in it than any other [...]

Fuck You, Maine

April 28, 2010 by Adam Montgomery Lampert · Leave a Comment 

Thanks to the magic of Google Analytics, our editorial staff can easily see who is reading The New Morning Post, and where they come from. We can also see who isn’t reading the magazine, which has led me to a disappointing but critical conclusion: Maine is full of chowderhead fishfuckers who would rather stuff their [...]

The Case Against Canada

The Case Against Canada

March 1, 2010 by Adam Montgomery Lampert · 1 Comment 

It’s not easy to make a case for pressing charges against an organization like the International Olympic Committee, or a human-rights-friendly host country like Canada. But if UNICEF killed a gaggle of Cancun spring-breakers with an errant aerial shipment of Patriots 19-0 t-shirts, we would all be fuming. So why the hell are they getting [...]

Video Games Are Gad For You

Video Games Are Gad For You

February 15, 2010 by Adam Montgomery Lampert · 2 Comments 

Sometimes, I like to play video games. In fact, I sometimes like to play them a lot. I can tell if I have played too many hours in a single day because people say things to me like, “Hey, why are your eyes so bloodshot?” or “Aren’t you going to wipe that dried blood off [...]

A Lesson In San Francisco Geography

A Lesson In San Francisco Geography

February 11, 2010 by Adam Montgomery Lampert · Leave a Comment 

It’s too bad people don’t geographically position themselves according to their sexual desires.  Like say, for example, if I were looking to meet a Vietnamese harlot who was into Jewish guys, I should just be able to go down to Hồ Lê Dồng’s New York Deli at Steiner and Nguyen. Alas, this is not the [...]

Super Bowl XLIV Postponed Until Conclusion Of Super Bowl XLIII

Super Bowl XLIV Postponed Until Conclusion Of Super Bowl XLIII

January 31, 2010 by Adam Montgomery Lampert · 1 Comment 

MIAMI, FL – Due to multitudinous TV timeouts, post-touchdown celebrations, post-touchdown celebration penalties, and post-touchdown celebration penalty challenges during Super Bowl XLIII, Super Bowl XLIV has been indefinitely postponed, announced NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell on Sunday. “Due to administrative constraints, we will be unable to begin Super Bowl XLIV until Super Bowl XLIII has officially [...]

Jay Leno, Conan O’Brien Totally Not Personally Offended By Each Other’s Aggressive Tactics

Jay Leno, Conan O’Brien Totally Not Personally Offended By Each Other’s Aggressive Tactics

January 28, 2010 by Adam Montgomery Lampert · Leave a Comment 

…Jay was quick to echo Conan’s commitment to avoid negativity. “I love Conan!” He continued, periodically asking if we had “read about this” or “heard about this.” “We’re both in a tough spot here, which makes it all the more difficult that his penis is the size of an iPod Nano. Getting through this tough time together is something we’ve both agreed to, despite the fact that his hair looks like a cross between Jupiter’s Giant Red Spot and the 2005 tsunami.”

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