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Friday, November 24, 2017

Apple Releases iPod Femto, First iPod Exclusively Made For iPods, and iPad

Apple Releases iPod Femto, First iPod Exclusively Made For iPods, and iPad

January 28, 2010 by Adam Montgomery Lampert · 2 Comments 

CUPERTINO, CA – In a surprise move today, Apple announced the release of its first ever for-iPods-only iPod, completely overshadowing the much-anticipated release of its groundbreaking tablet computer, the iPad. According to Apple CEO Steve Jobs, the iPod Femto is “small enough for an iPod Nano to hold in its docking port, and has enough hard drive capacity to carry five iPod commercials, or 100 songs from iPod commercials.”

Report Finds All Of Willie Nelson’s Love Songs Actually Written About Wendy’s Cheeseburgers

Report Finds All Of Willie Nelson’s Love Songs Actually Written About Wendy’s Cheeseburgers

January 7, 2010 by Adam Montgomery Lampert · 1 Comment 

AUSTIN, TX – Yesterday, legions of legendary country musician Willie Nelson’s fans, former lovers and admirers became outraged and heartbroken when an independent inquiry reported that it had discovered all of his love songs had actually been written about his favorite fast food snack, Wendy’s cheeseburgers.

Weapons-Grade Uranium Found In Washington Wizards Locker Room, Gilbert Arenas Apologizes Yet Again

Weapons-Grade Uranium Found In Washington Wizards Locker Room, Gilbert Arenas Apologizes Yet Again

January 5, 2010 by Adam Montgomery Lampert · 1 Comment 

WASHINGTON, D.C. – In another bizarre twist of the already outlandish situation surrounding Gilbert Arenas’ possession of firearms inside the Washington Wizards locker room, Arenas yesterday apologized for the presence of what appears to be weapons-grade Uranium-235 discovered inside his locker. In a press conference held outside of the Verizon Center, Arenas took responsibility for [...]

Despite Multiple Warnings, Sexting Still Considered “Totally Awesome” By Teenage Boys

Despite Multiple Warnings, Sexting Still Considered “Totally Awesome” By Teenage Boys

December 13, 2009 by Adam Montgomery Lampert · Leave a Comment 

WASHINGTON, D.C. – Despite being warned that sexting may result in the receipt of naked pictures of girls their own age, American teenage boys still remained on average “very stoked” about the practice. Across the country, parents expressed strong tones of alarm and confusion about its continuation despite repeated and numerous advisories.  “Don’t they understand [...]

The Subversion of Science During the Bush Administration, And Where We Go From Here

The Subversion of Science During the Bush Administration, And Where We Go From Here

April 3, 2009 by Adam Montgomery Lampert · 3 Comments 

If Carl Sagan called science a “Candle in the Dark”, then we have faced eight long years of sunless blackout under George W. Bush. Last week when a federal judge called the FDA’s restriction of Plan B contraception an act of “bad faith” and a “response to political pressure,” it looked as though the eclipse [...]

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