Apple Releases iPod Femto, First iPod Exclusively Made For iPods, and iPad

CUPERTINO, CA – In a surprise move today, Apple announced the release of its first ever for-iPods-only iPod, completely overshadowing the much-anticipated release of its groundbreaking tablet computer, the iPad. According to Apple CEO Steve Jobs, the iPod Femto is “small enough for an iPod Nano to hold in its docking port, and has enough hard drive capacity to carry five iPod commercials, or 100 songs from iPod commercials.”

Report Finds All Of Willie Nelson’s Love Songs Actually Written About Wendy’s Cheeseburgers

AUSTIN, TX – Yesterday, legions of legendary country musician Willie Nelson’s fans, former lovers and admirers became outraged and heartbroken when an independent inquiry reported that it had discovered all of his love songs had actually been written about his favorite fast food snack, Wendy’s cheeseburgers.

Weapons-Grade Uranium Found In Washington Wizards Locker Room, Gilbert Arenas Apologizes Yet Again

WASHINGTON, D.C. – In another bizarre twist of the already outlandish situation surrounding Gilbert Arenas’ possession of firearms inside the Washington Wizards locker room, Arenas yesterday apologized for the presence of what appears to be weapons-grade Uranium-235 discovered inside his locker. In a press conference held outside of the Verizon Center, Arenas took responsibility for [...]

Despite Multiple Warnings, Sexting Still Considered “Totally Awesome” By Teenage Boys

WASHINGTON, D.C. – Despite being warned that sexting may result in the receipt of naked pictures of girls their own age, American teenage boys still remained on average “very stoked” about the practice. Across the country, parents expressed strong tones of alarm and confusion about its continuation despite repeated and numerous advisories.  “Don’t they understand [...]

The Subversion of Science During the Bush Administration, And Where We Go From Here

If Carl Sagan called science a “Candle in the Dark”, then we have faced eight long years of sunless blackout under George W. Bush. Last week when a federal judge called the FDA’s restriction of Plan B contraception an act of “bad faith” and a “response to political pressure,” it looked as though the eclipse [...]

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