Letters to the Mayor of Bonerville – Part III

Dear Madam – Your silence at my numerous attempts to persuade you of my liberation speaks quite loudly indeed. At this juncture I am left with no choice but to conclude that you have no intention whatsoever to release me from Bonerville’s throbbing stranglehold. As my previous efforts to wheedle you into persuasion have failed, [...]

Letters to the Mayor of Bonerville – Part II

Dear Madam, As mayor of Bonerville, your schedule must surely be one of the heaviest engagement. Keeping Bonerville’s streets clean, children healthy, and erections maintained for all of the city’s faithful citizens is a duty unenvied by all reasonable persons. And so I want to make it clear that I come to you not as [...]

Letters to the Mayor of Bonerville – Part I

Dear Ms. Leckey, I needn’t tell you how greatly I have enjoyed my stay here in Bonerville this past weekend. The sights, sounds, and sensations that I have experienced will forever be held as treasured memories within a special place in my heart. But you see, I’m afraid I really must be leaving your wonderful [...]

Fuck You, Maine

Thanks to the magic of Google Analytics, our editorial staff can easily see who is reading The New Morning Post, and where they come from. We can also see who isn’t reading the magazine, which has led me to a disappointing but critical conclusion: Maine is full of chowderhead fishfuckers who would rather stuff their [...]

Fuck You, Maine

Thanks to the magic of Google Analytics, our editorial staff can easily see who is reading The New Morning Post, and where they come from. We can also see who isn’t reading the magazine, which has led me to a disappointing but critical conclusion: Maine is full of chowderhead fishfuckers who would rather stuff their [...]

Video Games Are Gad For You

Sometimes, I like to play video games. In fact, I sometimes like to play them a lot. I can tell if I have played too many hours in a single day because people say things to me like, “Hey, why are your eyes so bloodshot?” or “Aren’t you going to wipe that dried blood off [...]

A Lesson In San Francisco Geography

It’s too bad people don’t geographically position themselves according to their sexual desires.  Like say, for example, if I were looking to meet a Vietnamese harlot who was into Jewish guys, I should just be able to go down to Hồ Lê Dồng’s New York Deli at Steiner and Nguyen. Alas, this is not the [...]

Super Bowl XLIV Postponed Until Conclusion Of Super Bowl XLIII

MIAMI, FL – Due to multitudinous TV timeouts, post-touchdown celebrations, post-touchdown celebration penalties, and post-touchdown celebration penalty challenges during Super Bowl XLIII, Super Bowl XLIV has been indefinitely postponed, announced NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell on Sunday. “Due to administrative constraints, we will be unable to begin Super Bowl XLIV until Super Bowl XLIII has officially [...]

Jay Leno, Conan O’Brien Totally Not Personally Offended By Each Other’s Aggressive Tactics

…Jay was quick to echo Conan’s commitment to avoid negativity. “I love Conan!” He continued, periodically asking if we had “read about this” or “heard about this.” “We’re both in a tough spot here, which makes it all the more difficult that his penis is the size of an iPod Nano. Getting through this tough time together is something we’ve both agreed to, despite the fact that his hair looks like a cross between Jupiter’s Giant Red Spot and the 2005 tsunami.”

Apple Releases iPod Femto, First iPod Exclusively Made For iPods, and iPad

CUPERTINO, CA – In a surprise move today, Apple announced the release of its first ever for-iPods-only iPod, completely overshadowing the much-anticipated release of its groundbreaking tablet computer, the iPad. According to Apple CEO Steve Jobs, the iPod Femto is “small enough for an iPod Nano to hold in its docking port, and has enough hard drive capacity to carry five iPod commercials, or 100 songs from iPod commercials.”

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