Super Bowl XLIV Postponed Until Conclusion Of Super Bowl XLIII

MIAMI, FL – Due to multitudinous TV timeouts, post-touchdown celebrations, post-touchdown celebration penalties, and post-touchdown celebration penalty challenges during Super Bowl XLIII, Super Bowl XLIV has been indefinitely postponed, announced NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell on Sunday. “Due to administrative constraints, we will be unable to begin Super Bowl XLIV until Super Bowl XLIII has officially [...]

Jay Leno, Conan O’Brien Totally Not Personally Offended By Each Other’s Aggressive Tactics

…Jay was quick to echo Conan’s commitment to avoid negativity. “I love Conan!” He continued, periodically asking if we had “read about this” or “heard about this.” “We’re both in a tough spot here, which makes it all the more difficult that his penis is the size of an iPod Nano. Getting through this tough time together is something we’ve both agreed to, despite the fact that his hair looks like a cross between Jupiter’s Giant Red Spot and the 2005 tsunami.”

Apple Releases iPod Femto, First iPod Exclusively Made For iPods, and iPad

CUPERTINO, CA – In a surprise move today, Apple announced the release of its first ever for-iPods-only iPod, completely overshadowing the much-anticipated release of its groundbreaking tablet computer, the iPad. According to Apple CEO Steve Jobs, the iPod Femto is “small enough for an iPod Nano to hold in its docking port, and has enough hard drive capacity to carry five iPod commercials, or 100 songs from iPod commercials.”

Report Finds All Of Willie Nelson’s Love Songs Actually Written About Wendy’s Cheeseburgers

AUSTIN, TX – Yesterday, legions of legendary country musician Willie Nelson’s fans, former lovers and admirers became outraged and heartbroken when an independent inquiry reported that it had discovered all of his love songs had actually been written about his favorite fast food snack, Wendy’s cheeseburgers.

Weapons-Grade Uranium Found In Washington Wizards Locker Room, Gilbert Arenas Apologizes Yet Again

WASHINGTON, D.C. – In another bizarre twist of the already outlandish situation surrounding Gilbert Arenas’ possession of firearms inside the Washington Wizards locker room, Arenas yesterday apologized for the presence of what appears to be weapons-grade Uranium-235 discovered inside his locker. In a press conference held outside of the Verizon Center, Arenas took responsibility for [...]

Despite Multiple Warnings, Sexting Still Considered “Totally Awesome” By Teenage Boys

WASHINGTON, D.C. – Despite being warned that sexting may result in the receipt of naked pictures of girls their own age, American teenage boys still remained on average “very stoked” about the practice. Across the country, parents expressed strong tones of alarm and confusion about its continuation despite repeated and numerous advisories.  “Don’t they understand [...]