Letters to the Mayor of Bonerville – Part III

Dear Madam – Your silence at my numerous attempts to persuade you of my liberation speaks quite loudly indeed. At this juncture I am left with no choice but to conclude that you have no intention whatsoever to release me from Bonerville’s throbbing stranglehold. As my previous efforts to wheedle you into persuasion have failed, [...]

Letters to the Mayor of Bonerville – Part II

Dear Madam, As mayor of Bonerville, your schedule must surely be one of the heaviest engagement. Keeping Bonerville’s streets clean, children healthy, and erections maintained for all of the city’s faithful citizens is a duty unenvied by all reasonable persons. And so I want to make it clear that I come to you not as [...]

Letters to the Mayor of Bonerville – Part I

Dear Ms. Leckey, I needn’t tell you how greatly I have enjoyed my stay here in Bonerville this past weekend. The sights, sounds, and sensations that I have experienced will forever be held as treasured memories within a special place in my heart. But you see, I’m afraid I really must be leaving your wonderful [...]

To The Next Great American Athlete: The Top Ten Reasons You Should Play Soccer Instead of Football/Basketball/Baseball

This is a letter to all the young American athletes out there destined for greatness. To all the future Michael Jordans, LeBron Jameses, Peyton Mannings, Bo Jacksons, Kobe Bryants, and Jerry Rices, I beseech you: consider soccer. There is more money, more fame, less risk, fewer injuries, and more glory in it than any other [...]