Fuck You, Maine

Thanks to the magic of Google Analytics, our editorial staff can easily see who is reading The New Morning Post, and where they come from. We can also see who isn’t reading the magazine, which has led me to a disappointing but critical conclusion: Maine is full of chowderhead fishfuckers who would rather stuff their anuses full of salmon than read witty commentary and/or engage in lively debate about said commentary.

What the fuck is your problem, Maine? Do you think you’re too good for The New Morning Post? Well, you aren’t. In fact, NMP is too good for you. You are just a genital wart on the top right corner of America’s magnificent junk, and it’s time to freeze you off.

To the remaining 49 states (which will heretofore be referred to as TNDS, for The Non-Douche States), I propose a simple solution: We take all of Maine’s delicious lobsters (the state’s one and only redeeming resource, assuming they  haven’t all been reamed in the ass by the podunk simpletons that live there), and use their powerful claws to sever the border between TNDS and Maine. Then, we simply float Maine down the Atlantic coast and through the Deepwater Horizon Oil Spill, and affix it to Mexico(which already has a genital wart craftily disguised as the Yucatan peninsula/Cancun, so they won’t mind). I have spoken to the President of Mexico via Twitter, and he has agreed to take Maine off our hands in exchange for three barrels of Slim-Jims, which apparently are like super-duper hard to get down there, even at 7-11. See graphic for transaction details:

Assuming the deal goes smoothly, TNDS will receive 500 new miles of beautiful New England coastline, and Mexico will finally have a place to put all those pesky Slim Jim wrappers that keep piling up. And Maine will finally take its rightful place as Mexico’s bathroom’s garbage can.

Am I getting through to you, Maine? Your days as an American state are numbered, and if not for the fact that you happen to have a city named Bangor, you would be entirely useless altogether.

And quite frankly, your sordid history disgusts me. Maine was founded in 1942… by Hitler. This backwoods black hole of halitosis abounds with prejudice and Velveeta, and it is the only state in this great nation where you have to suck your own dick in order to vote. Swear to God.

Gross.

Did you know that Maine has a chronic history of

the anatomy of america

texas is obviously the penis

because it was founded by men, America has no vagina. And even if it did, it would be like Castor Semenya’s vagina, which hides powerful undescended testes within. (nytimes link in ur gmail aml)

florida is america’s extended arm, hand, and middle finger, giving the one-fingered salute to Cuba for not being capitalist-cool-like.

cut off maine, and affix it to mexico.

I know what you’re thinking. Why not El Salvador? I know, I know, it was my first choice too. But Mexico

maine should be part of mexico

The author  was voted 2009 Pager Salesman of the Year at