Report Finds All Of Willie Nelson’s Love Songs Actually Written About Wendy’s Cheeseburgers

Willie Nelson

AUSTIN, TX – Yesterday, legions of legendary country musician Willie Nelson’s fans, former lovers and admirers became outraged and heartbroken when an independent inquiry reported that it had discovered all of his love songs had actually been written about his favorite fast food snack, Wendy’s cheeseburgers.

“This is truly devastating,” said Cheryl Forrester, Miss Kentucky 1985, about whom Mr. Nelson initially claimed to have penned the tune “Always On My Mind.” “I have always held that song so close to my heart, and now to hear this. I thought we had something special.”

Disillusioned fans of Willie Nelson gather in mourning protest outside his home in Abbott, TX.

Despite efforts to initially promote his music in earnest, Nelson’s spokesperson said he was persuaded by record label executives early in his career to stylistically modify his songs, lyrics, song titles and album titles to appeal to a broader audience than his initial singles “Monterey Jack of Hearts”(1964) and “Moon Over Two Ground Beef Patties” (1966) afforded him. Nelson himself could not be reached for comment.

Some fans, however, had a different take. Janine Grafton(47) of Norfolk, Virginia, said she has not been surprised by the disclosure, considering the occasional revealing lyrics that, through the years, have increasingly found their way through Nelson’s editorial filters to final versions of his songs. “What about ‘On The Road Again?’” She pointed out,

‘On the road again,
Just can’t wait to get on the road again.
The life I love is eating burgers without end,
And I can’t wait to get on the road again.’

“And ‘To All The Girls I’ve Loved Before’ is even worse!” She continued. “Did he really think we wouldn’t know what he meant when he said,

‘To all the girls I’ve loved before
Your cheeseburgers and nothing more,
Was all we ever had,
They’re all that made me glad,
To all the girls I’ve loved before.’

To all the girls I once caressed
I’ve always liked you but the meat was best,
Charbroiled open flame,
We’d never be the same,
To all the girls I’ve loved before.”

Questions surround those implicated in Nelson's potential long-term affairs.

Nelson’s wife, Martha Clayton, said she has been aware of his affinity for ground beef but did not fully understand the full scope of his affairs until the publication of the report. When asked if this revelation could be considered cause for divorce, she declined to comment, but lashed out at cheap, delicious burgers nationwide. “How can decent women like myself be expected to compete with steamy, mouthwatering cheeseburgers that you can get for 99 cents, day or night?” Immediately following the release of the report, an additional anonymous source came forward to confirm its authenticity to The New Morning Post, and even hinted at long term implications of adultery. “Willie has never been able to resist my square, never frozen beef patties cooked to order… he has been knocking at my door since he was six years old.”

Nelson’s long-term friend and fellow songwriter, Jimmy Buffett, was quick to speak up about the report at a recently held press conference outside his martini-glass-shaped bungalow in Miami, Florida. “I have always told Willie that it’s okay to be who you are,” he said, noting his own success with hits “Cheeseburger In Paradise” and “Margaritaville.” “None of us should be ashamed of ourselves, or our desires, however strange or delicious they may be.”