Weapons-Grade Uranium Found In Washington Wizards Locker Room, Gilbert Arenas Apologizes Yet Again

WASHINGTON, D.C. – In another bizarre twist of the already outlandish situation surrounding Gilbert Arenas’ possession of firearms inside the Washington Wizards locker room, Arenas yesterday apologized for the presence of what appears to be weapons-grade Uranium-235 discovered inside his locker.

In a press conference held outside of the Verizon Center, Arenas took responsibility for his actions but downplayed the significance of the radioactive isotope’s presence. “I just brought it here so that my kids couldn’t get into it, and like I said before, I never threatened anybody with it.”

The transformation of the Montgomery Co. Community Center's rec room was unexpected.

According to Wizards’ forward Caron Butler, the sudden presence of Uranium in the locker room coincided with the escalation of a conflict regarding the dispute of a gambling debt between Arenas and shooting guard Earl Boykins. “They have been goin’ at it for weeks now. They can’t agree on who owes who what, so Gil packs heat, then Earl flosses his Glock to back it up. Then, Gil says something about land mines around his house, so Earl develops an illegal Ballistic Missile Defense System. Before you know it Gil’s talkin’ about building centrifuges at the Montgomery County Community Center over the weekend to enrich the composition of naturally occurring Uranium to a higher concentration of Uranium-235. It’s a sad situation.”

The discovery of the material was initially made around 9pm Saturday by a staff janitor, who reported a “bunch of glowing green rods inside a black duffel bag” to the facilities manager. Within minutes the building had been evacuated, and Arenas reprimanded for yet-another extreme incident, bringing his judgment, especially regarding fissile materials, into question yet again.