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Sunday, April 22, 2018

Letters to the Mayor of Bonerville – Part I

February 2, 2011 by Adam Montgomery Lampert · Leave a Comment 

Dear Ms. Leckey,

I needn’t tell you how greatly I have enjoyed my stay here in Bonerville this past weekend. The sights, sounds, and sensations that I have experienced will forever be held as treasured memories within a special place in my heart. But you see, I’m afraid I really must be leaving your wonderful town shortly. While there is truly no place I would rather be, I’m afraid that the domestic duties of a full-time clam salesman can be neglected no longer; I simply must return to my native town of Ketchikan to resume my position. Won’t you please allow me to depart? Even the Viagra commercial states, “If you experience an erection lasting longer than 4 hours, please consult a physician,” yet I have been detained here in Bonerville for over three days. While again I must emphasize the degree to which I shall always cherish my stay, it appears that my grapefruit-sized prostate can withstand no further longevity.

Graciously awaiting your response,

Hank Sampson,

Faithful Visitor to Bonerville

(Southeastern Oregon Clam Salesman of the Year 1993-94, Clamdealer Magazine)

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