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Saturday, May 26, 2018

Letters to the Mayor of Bonerville – Part II

February 2, 2011 by Adam Montgomery Lampert · 3 Comments 

Dear Madam,

As mayor of Bonerville, your schedule must surely be one of the heaviest engagement. Keeping Bonerville’s streets clean, children healthy, and erections maintained for all of the city’s faithful citizens is a duty unenvied by all reasonable persons. And so I want to make it clear that I come to you not as an impulsive ingrate but as a man of absolute desperation. Please, please release me from the deathgrip of Bonerville’s unflinchingly clenched fist, and allow me to exit this fair city. In my time here I have only attempted in earnest to reciprocate the desire and stiffness with which I have been filled, and I feel that my selflessness and generosity warrant a mutual return.

Due to my full and seemingly limitless incarceration, my monthly clam sales have significantly suffered, and my position atop Eugene’s Biweekly Clam-Off Charts has been threatened by my insidious rival, Thaddeus J. Archibald, that most dire executor of deceit. I need not remind you that Mr. Archibald is a man of such unseemly character that he was once referred to as “Hitler II” by his own father, Henry Archibald, the modern pioneer of the now universally accepted Clamitizing techniques. It is widely known that Thaddeus has not only ridden his primogenitor’s coattails; it is said that he has soiled and spoiled them along the way, coasting to a position of prominence while violating every ethical principle of clam sales morality and virtue. Why, even I once suffered the indignities of Mr Archibald’s underhanded methods myself; during a seasonal clam-tasting tour of Northwest Scottsdale’s Sizzler community, he once put a ham in my hat!

I know a madam of your stature and integrity will not stand idly by and allow such a cataclysm of clam calamity to come about. Were I to be released presently, I might even be able to persuade the CCC (Curious Clam Committee) to host next year’s CCCC (Casually Condoned Clambake Conference) right here in Bonerville! The financial and cultural benefits to your city and its denizens generated by this truly magnificent celebration could not be overstated.

Again, I thank you for hearing my appeal. I have yet to receive a response from our initial correspondence, but I know in my heart it is only because you are fully occupied pitching tents across this glorious municipality. I look forward to hearing from you soon.

Sincerely Yours,


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3 Responses to “Letters to the Mayor of Bonerville – Part II”
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  2. Thanks for sharing such a wonderful article

  3. Adam says:

    Adam I miss your brand of witty brand of good humor. Whre did you go? mission to mars? I don’t think SO.


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