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Saturday, May 26, 2018

Letters to the Mayor of Bonerville – Part III

February 2, 2011 by Adam Montgomery Lampert · 2 Comments 

Dear Madam -

Your silence at my numerous attempts to persuade you of my liberation speaks quite loudly indeed. At this juncture I am left with no choice but to conclude that you have no intention whatsoever to release me from Bonerville’s throbbing stranglehold.

As my previous efforts to wheedle you into persuasion have failed, I shall thereby pursue an alternative approach – You are a prime paragon of the absolute worst kind of harlot! Your treachery and deceit are exceeded only by your inexplicably prodigious affinity for funnel cakes!

Ha! I bet that has riled your temperament mightily. I knew that it would. Consider the emotions that my invectives have incited a reflection of the sentimental and professional repercussions your internment has cost me: As I am sure you have no doubt been informed of via telegraph or “electronic” mail, Thaddeus Archibald now reigns supreme atop the Pacific Provincial Bivalve Procession, challenged only by the pathetic triumvirate of Charles K. Cawkeryng, Pheobe Bhuttkeiks, and yes, even the lowly Philip Sandifagina (who I need not remind you suffers from a most unfortunate case of Tiny Hand Syndrome). Handi-capable equality notwithstanding, the dearth of decent competition illustrates a tragedy of clam sales capitalism from which the industry and yes, our society as a whole, may never recover.

For this catastrophe you alone are to blame. But my insistent and endless tumescence has not only allowed my rivals to undermine my hegemony, it has also resulted in an increased risk of what I have recently learned is termed “permanent engorgement”. This presumes to be a most inconvenient way of life. Knocking over vases, inappropriately probing fellow bus-passengers, and ruining defenseless grocery store tomatoes are not the pastimes with which I once foresaw myself engaging into my mid and late thirties. This, madam, is an outrage!

Rest assured my vituperation has reached only a moderate position amongst the full spectrum of my emotion. Were my custody to persist unimpeded, the subjects of my future disparaging correspondence might include halitosis, porcine agriculture, and yes, even your posture! As my imprisonment proceeds, so too do my limits of decency dissipate, thus I suggest you heed this most perilous forewarning.


Hank Sampson

Formerly Smitten Suitor and Pensacola State College Clam Sales Finalist, Third Trimester 1991

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2 Responses to “Letters to the Mayor of Bonerville – Part III”
  1. Danip says:

    I have taken note of your incarceration sir. An appeal has been filed, but our legal team has had some difficulty with the paperwork due to a location issue. Could you please tell us the postal code of Bonerville?


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